Okay, so here’s the deal—figuring out how to create a retirement income plan that will last literally kept me up last night in my stupidly hot apartment in Austin because the AC is wheezing like it’s 75 years old too. I’m sitting here in boxers and an old UT shirt, sweating over a Google Sheet at 2 a.m. because I just realized I spent $400 on Whataburger this month and my “retirement” currently looks like three maxed-out credit cards and a 401(k) I forgot the password to for like six years. Real glamorous, right?https://www.hsabank.com/Learn/About-HSAs/HSA-Advantages
Why My First Attempt at a Retirement Income Plan Was Straight Garbage
I used to think “retirement income plan” meant “throw money at the Vanguard target-date fund and pray.” That was me at 28. Then at 38 I actually opened the statements and almost threw up in my Whataburger bag because apparently 2008 happened, then 2022 happened, and my balance looked like a heart-rate monitor of a dude having a panic attack. So yeah, I learned the hard way that just “set it and forget it” works until it very much doesn’t.https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/roth-iras
The Moment I Knew I Had to Fix My Retirement Income Plan (Like Yesterday)
Picture this: I’m 41, divorced, eating cold pizza on the floor of my new apartment because I have no furniture yet, and I get a letter from Social Security that says my projected benefit at 67 is $2,300 a month. That’s when the cold sweat hit. Rent here is already $2,100. I literally whispered “well, shit” and scared my dog. That was the moment I decided I gotta figure out how to create a retirement income plan that doesn’t end with me greeting people at Walmart.https://www.irs.gov/retirement-plans/roth-iras
Step 1: Stop Lying to Yourself About How Much You Actually Need
Everyone’s like “$80k a year, bro!” but I tracked every penny for 90 days (yes, including the $9 lattes and the random $76 I spent on Amazon at 1 a.m. because “I deserved it”). Turns out if I’m not supporting another human and I move somewhere cheaper than Austin, I can probably live on $48k–$55k and not feel deprived. Your number is not my number. Stop copying some blogger in San Francisco.
My Current (Still Kinda Chaotic) Retirement Income Plan That I Think Might Actually Work
Here’s the messy mix I’m running with right now:
- Social Security – delaying till 70 because the 8% bump is basically free money
- Small pension from that one job I had for 12 years (thank you past me)
- Rental property I bought hungover in 2019 that somehow cash-flows $800/month after the tenant destroys something every 18 months
- Roth conversion ladder I’m doing in low-income years (basically this year because freelance writing is…inconsistent)
- The “bucket” thing but I only have two buckets because three felt pretentious:
– Bucket 1: cash for the next 3-4 years so I don’t sell stocks when they’re down
– Bucket 2: everything else in low-cost ETFs because I’m not fancy
The Withdrawal Strategy I’m Betting My Hopes and Dreams On
I’m doing a weird hybrid of the 4% rule and Guyton-Klinger rules because I’m paranoid. Basically I’ll start at 4%, but if the market throws up on itself I’ll cut spending 10% that year instead of selling low. I tested this in a Google Sheet with the shittiest market crashes I could find and I still didn’t run out of money until age 98. I’ll probably be dead by then or at least too old to care.
The Part Nobody Talks About: Healthcare Almost Ruined My Retirement Income Plan
I got a quote for private health insurance—$1,400 a month at 65 with a $9,000 deductible. I actually laughed out loud in the insurance office like a crazy person. So now I’m hoarding money in an HSA like a dragon because that’s triple tax-free and basically the only good deal the government ever gave us.https://www.healthcare.gov/see-plans/
Look, I’m still figuring this out. My retirement income plan has holes, contradictions, and way too much Whataburger grease on the printed version, but it’s mine and it’s real. Start where you are, run your own numbers, and stop comparing your Google Sheet to some influencer who definitely has family money. You got this. Or at least we’ll figure it out together while eating gas-station taquitos in 2052.
Now go open your statements instead of doom-scrolling. I believe in you (mostly because I have to believe in me). Drop your biggest retirement panic in the comments—I read every single one while stress-eating Honey Buns.
