Okay, let’s get into it.
What does a wealth manager do? Man, I asked myself that exact question last March while I was stress-eating Taco Bell in the parking lot of a Chase bank in suburban Virginia because my “fun money” account had somehow turned into a negative-fun-money account. Like, I’m 38, I have a decent job, two kids, a mortgage that feels sentient, and I still thought “wealth manager” was code for “guy who tells billionaires where to hide yachts.” Turns out… no. Not even close.
What Does a Wealth Manager Do on a Random Tuesday? (Spoiler: They Babysit My Dumb Ass)
First time I walked into my wealth manager’s office—let’s call him Josh because that’s his actual name and he’s cool with it—I was wearing mismatched socks and smelled faintly of toddler puke. Real glamorous. Josh didn’t even blink. Dude just hands me a LaCroix (pamplemousse, obviously) and goes, “So, tell me about the crypto thing.”https://www.schwab.com/wealth-management
The crypto thing. Yeah. That $11k I Yeeted into Shiba Inu in 2021 because some Reddit bro said it was “the next Doge.” Josh pulled up the chart, zoomed out, and I legitimately felt my soul leave my body. That’s when I learned wealth manager duty #1: they stop you from lighting your money on fire while somehow not making you feel like a complete idiot. Josh literally said, “We’ve all been there,” and I’m 99% sure he has never YOLO’d retirement money on meme coins, but I appreciated the lie.https://www.vanguard.com/personal-advisor
The Boring Stuff That Saved My Life (Wealth Manager Duties I Actually Needed)
Look, nobody grows up dreaming of conversations about Roth conversions and backdoor Roths and “Hey, maybe don’t keep six figures in a 0.03% savings account, queen.” But here’s what Josh actually does for me now:
- He forced me to max out my HSA and then explained why it’s basically a stealth IRA (mind blown).
- He moved my lazy 401(k) from the default target-date fund that was charging me 1.2% into something that costs 0.04%. I still don’t totally get the difference but my projected balance at 65 jumped like $400k.
- He made me buy umbrella insurance after I told him my kid thinks the trampoline is an Olympic sport.
- Every quarter he sends me a one-page thing that says “You’re fine, chill” or “Hey, maybe pause the DoorDash for a month.” It’s weirdly soothing. https://www.fidelity.com/wealth-management/overview
The Awkward Wealth Manager Moments Nobody Talks About
There was this one meeting where Josh asked for my net-worth spreadsheet and I… didn’t have one. I had a napkin. An actual Chipotle napkin with numbers scrawled in salsa-stained pen. He took a photo of it like it was evidence in a crime scene and built me a real spreadsheet. I almost cried. Again.
Also, he gently roasted me for having eleven credit cards. Eleven! One of them was a limited-edition Star Wars one I opened for the free popcorn bucket. I’m not proud. https://www.vanguard.com/personal-advisor
Do You Even Need a Wealth Manager? My Hot Take From Someone Who Definitely Does
If you’re still using the envelope method or think “diversification” is just owning both Apple and Tesla, maybe not yet. But once life gets complicated—kids, house, RSUs, side hustle, aging parents, that one rental property you swear you’ll fix up someday—a wealth manager is honestly cheaper than therapy. And sometimes they are therapy.
I pay Josh a flat fee now (switched from AUM because I got paranoid about conflicts), and it’s less than what I was spending on Starbucks and regret.https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Umbrella_insurance
Final Thoughts From My Couch in Sweatpants
So yeah, what does a wealth manager do? They hold your hand while adulting kicks you in the teeth, translate financial gibberish into human, and stop you from making the same dumb mistakes twice (or eleven times). I still don’t have “wealth” in the private-jet sense, but for the first time ever I’m not having panic attacks about money at 3 a.m. That’s worth more than any Lambo.
Anyway, if you’re sitting there with a burrito on your tax documents like I was, maybe shoot me a DM or just… find your own Josh. Tell him the girl with the salsa napkin sent you.
(And no, he didn’t pay me to write this. I just really like the guy.)
