Okay, real talk—trying to figure out whether you should hire a financial consultant has been haunting me lately, and I’m writing this at 1:47 a.m. in my kitchen in Columbus while the dishwasher hums like it’s judging me. https://www.napfa.org/
I still have Doritos dust on my fingers from stress-eating because my Robinhood account looks like a crime scene. Anyway.
Why I Finally Decided to Hire a Financial Consultant (After Swearing I Never Would)
Look, I’m the guy who thought “diversification” was just a fancy word for cowardice. 2021 hit, I threw six figures into whatever Reddit told me was “to the moon,” and by early 2023 I was googling “can you venmo yourself an IOU.” That’s when the shame spiral got so bad I actually typed “hire a financial consultant near me” into my phone while hiding in a Target bathroom stall so my wife wouldn’t see. True story, zero dignity left https://www.cfp.net/ –
1. How Badly Have You Actually Screwed Yourself? Be Honest
If your net worth screenshot makes you want to yeet your phone into the Cuyahoga River, congrats—you might actually need to hire a financial consultant. For me it was realizing I had more money in Dogecoin than in my 401(k). That’s not a flex, that’s a cry for help.
2. Can You Even Afford the Financial Consultant (Without Crying)?
Here’s the part nobody talks about: most decent ones want 1–1.5% of assets under management. When I ran the numbers I literally whispered “mother of god” in a Panera Bread. But then I did the math the other way—if I keep YOLO-ing I’ll be broke by 48. Pick your poison, I guess.https://www.letsmakeaplan.org/
3. Are You Emotionally Incapable of Not FOMO-ing Into Garbage?
I am. 100%. Every time the market dips I panic-buy, every time it rips I chase. My therapist says it’s “impulse control issues,” I say it’s “being extremely online in America.” A good financial consultant is basically a very expensive accountability buddy who stops you from drunk-texting your brokerage app.https://www.vanguard.com/personal-advisor
4. Do You Actually Understand What You Own (Or Is It Just Vibes)?
I thought “ARKK” was a vibe. Turns out it’s a vibe that can lose 80% in a year. When my consultant asked me to list my holdings I sent him a voice memo that was just me sighing for 45 seconds straight. If that’s you, maybe hire a financial consultant before you end up with a portfolio that looks like a TikTok comment section. https://www.schwab.com/intelligent-portfolios
5. How Much Is Your Peace of Mind Worth, For Real?
This is the one that broke me. I was refreshing my accounts 47 times a day, heart racing, palms sweaty. After I finally hired a financial consultant I slept through the night for the first time since 2020. Worth every stupid penny.
Look, I’m still a mess. I still check Robinhood sometimes out of muscle memory, like a financial ex I can’t unfollow. But hiring a financial consultant was the first adult decision I’ve made since… ever? Maybe?
If you’re sitting there with Cheeto dust and existential dread like me, do the free consult thing. Worst case you waste an hour. Best case you stop hating Sunday nights because the market opens Monday. https://www.schwab.com/intelligent-portfolios
(Here’s a decent fiduciary directory if you’re curious: https://www.napfa.org/ — no kickbacks, just saved my ass.)
Anyway, I gotta go move money into a Roth before I talk myself out of it again. Hit me in the comments if you’ve been here. Misery loves company.
