Here’s the thing: I’m literally writing this on my couch in sweatpants that have a suspicious ketchup stain from last week, and somehow my investment portfolio is working for me harder than I’m working for it right now. That still blows my mind.
Two years ago I was the idiot refreshing Robinhood every five seconds, heart racing like I was waiting for a text from someone who ghosted me. I had, like, $11k spread across meme stocks and whatever Twitter told me was “the next Tesla.” Spoiler: it wasn’t. I lost $3,200 in one week and cried in a Chipotle bathroom. Yes, actually cried. The cashier probably thought I got dumped.
Why My Old Investment Portfolio Was Straight-Up Abusive
I treated my portfolio like a toxic situationship. Checking it constantly, getting euphoric when it went up $200, spiraling when it dropped $47. I’d wake up at 4 a.m. in my apartment in Jersey City, phone glow lighting up my face like a horror movie, googling “is the market crashing forever???”https://www.reddit.com/r/Bogleheads/
Turns out constantly messing with your investments is the financial equivalent of texting “u up?” at 2 a.m. It never ends well.
The Day I Decided to Make My Investment Portfolio Work for Me Instead
January 3rd, hungover from cheap prosecco, eating cold pizza for breakfast, I had the most un-sexy epiphany ever: what if I just… stopped touching it? Like, set it up once and let the thing run without me micromanaging it like a helicopter parent.
So I did the most boring thing imaginable:
- Sold all the individual stocks (yes, even the one I swore was my “conviction play”)
- Dumped everything into three funds: VTI, VXUS, and chill
- Set up auto-invest from every paycheck
- Turned off every single notification https://jlcollinsnh.com/stock-series/
And then I yeeted my phone across the room and didn’t look for 90 days.
What Actually Happened When I Ignored My Portfolio
First month: panic. Kept wanting to log in “just to check.”
Second month: still twitchy, but started sleeping better.
Third month: forgot my password. That’s when I knew I won.
By month six my investment portfolio was quietly doing its job while I was stress-eating Takis and binge-watching Succession. No drama. No 3 a.m. doomscrolling. Just… growth? Like a houseplant I forgot to water but somehow didn’t die.https://www.choosefi.com/episode-001-what-is-fi/
The Exact (Boring) Setup That Saved My Sanity
- 80% total US stock market (VTI or VOO, whatever)
- 20% international (VXUS)
- Auto-invest $300 every two weeks no matter what
- Rebalance once a year while drunk on Christmas Eve (tradition now)
That’s it. That’s the whole “strategy.” Fight me.
The Mistakes I Still Make (Because I’m Human Garbage Sometimes)
I still occasionally Google “is [random company] a good investment” at 1 a.m. I never buy, but the urge is real. Also, I keep $2k in a savings account “for emergencies” that I’ve used twice: once for concert tickets, once for a dumb espresso machine I barely use. So yeah, still flawed.https://investor.vanguard.com/investment-products/etfs/profile/vti
Your Investment Portfolio Doesn’t Need to Be Sexy to Work for You
If you’re waiting for the perfect moment, the perfect stock, the perfect guru on TikTok—stop. The secret is literally being too lazy to screw it up. Set it, forget it, go touch grass (or in my case, go order Uber Eats and pretend I’m gonna cook one day).
My portfolio’s up 38% since I stopped treating it like a slot machine. I did nothing. Literally nothing except not log in. That’s the flex.
Anyway, I gotta go reheat this pizza now. Do the boring thing. Your future self (and your sleep schedule) will thank you.
P.S. If you want the exact funds I use and the dumb spreadsheet I made while procrastinating laundry, DM me or comment below. I’ll send it, promise. Just don’t ask me about crypto. I will cry again.
