Wealth management is literally the only reason I’m not eating instant ramen in my mom’s basement right now. There, I said it. Hi, I’m sitting in my stupidly sunny apartment in Austin, Texas, AC blasting because it’s somehow still 88° in December, iced coffee sweating all over last quarter’s statements, and I’m finally ready to admit I used to be a complete financial disaster.
Like, legitimately embarrassing. Back in 2017 I thought “diversification” was buying both Coinbase and Robinhood. I had $42k in crypto, $11k in meme stocks, and exactly $87 in a savings account that paid 0.01%. I bragged about it on Twitter. People quote-tweeted me with the crying-laughing emoji and I thought that meant I was winning. Spoiler: I very much was not. https://www.napfa.org/
Why I Used to Think Wealth Management Was for Boomers in Yacht Shoes
I grew up hearing my dad call financial advisors “fancy salesmen in worse suits.” So when I finally had some money in 2021 (thank you, dogecoin and bad decisions), hiring someone for actual wealth management felt like admitting defeat. I figured I was smarter than some 55-year-old in khakis. Turns out the khaki guy knows that tax-loss harvesting exists and I did not. Who knew?
I kept DIY-ing it until one random Tuesday in 2023 when the market sneezed and my portfolio dropped 28% in four hours. I threw up in an H-E-B parking lot. That was my rock-bottom wealth management moment. https://www.napfa.org/
The Day I Finally Hired a Real Financial Advisor (and Didn’t Die of Shame)
Walked into the office smelling like panic and Whataburger. The advisor—let’s call her Sarah—was maybe 32, wore Allbirds, and didn’t laugh when I showed her my 127 individual stock positions (yes, really). She just said, “Okay, we can fix this, but it’s gonna hurt your ego more than your wallet.” https://www.wealthfront.com/
First thing she made me say out loud that timing the market is gambling. I whispered it like I was in confession. Then she showed me what proper wealth management actually looks like: https://www.wealthfront.com/
- Getting my risk tolerance right instead of just YOLO-ing into whatever Reddit likes that week
- Automatic rebalancing so I stop panic-selling at the bottom
- Putting new money to work instead of letting it sit in a 0.03% checking account (guilty)
- Tax efficiency stuff I still don’t fully understand but apparently saved me $9k last year
My Portfolio Growth Since I Stopped Being a Stubborn Idiot
Here’s the part that still feels fake: in the 22 months since I handed over the reins, my investable assets are up 47% while the S&P is up like 31%. Same boring index funds everyone talks about, but with actual wealth management layered on top—rebalancing, tax-loss harvesting, tilting toward factors I can’t pronounce. I just drink the coffee and nod.
And yeah, part of me hates admitting that paying 0.8% AUM is worth it. But another part of me is currently sipping an actually good cold brew instead of the Folgers I used to drink, so… whatever.
The Slightly Embarrassing Mistakes I Still Make (Because I’m Human)
Look, good wealth management doesn’t turn you into a robot. I still:
- Check my portfolio when I’m drunk (Sarah gets push notifications, it’s fine)
- Randomly buy $500 of some random ETF because a podcast bro said it’s “the next 10x”
- Forget to update my beneficiaries after every breakup like a mature adult
But now those mistakes are 2% of my net worth instead of 100%, so progress?
Wealth Management Tips From Someone Who Learned the Hard Way
- Interview at least three advisors and ask point-blank if they’re fiduciary (if they hesitate, run)
- Start small—you don’t need millions. My advisor took me on with $150k because I begged
- Robo-advisors are fine for beginnings (I used Wealthfront for years), but once you cross ~$250k you want a human who can talk you off the ledge
- Ask about tax planning early. I lost like $18k in unnecessary taxes before someone explained Roth conversions to me
- Rebalance on a schedule, not on vibes https://www.wealthfront.com/
Yeah, I Still Get Jealous of Crypto Bros Sometimes
Total honesty? When Bitcoin hit $103k last week I felt that old twitch. For about 45 minutes I was ready to fire my advisor and ape back in. Then I remembered the H-E-B parking lot incident and closed the tab. Wealth management isn’t sexy, but neither is vomiting behind a grocery store.
Anyway. If you’re sitting there with a messy portfolio and a knot in your stomach every time the market twitches, maybe—just maybe—consider that wealth management isn’t for “other people.” It’s for people like us who finally got tired of our own chaos.
Drop me a comment if you’ve had your own “I threw up over money” moment. Misery loves company, and I’m nosy.
And if you’re ready to stop winging it, here’s the advisor vetting checklist my Sarah uses (she said I could share): https://www.kitces.com/blog/fiduciary-financial-advisor-questions/
Plus NAPFA for finding fee-only people: https://www.napfa.org/
You got this. Or at least someone smarter than us can help you got this.
Catch you in the next meltdown,
Some girl in Austin who finally stopped lighting money on fire
