Okay, so investment strategies for beginners are literally the reason I’m not eating instant noodles for dinner every night anymore, and I’m writing this from my couch in Austin where it smells like stale Whataburger and panic sweat because I just checked my portfolio again—anyway.https://www.fundrise.com
I’m gonna be straight with you: three years ago I had $800 in savings, a 2009 Honda with a cracked windshield, and the financial literacy of a raccoon. Like, I once Venmo-requested my own mom for “emotional damages.” True story. Now? I’ve got a Roth IRA that doesn’t make me want to cry and a brokerage account that’s… honestly doing better than my dating life. These are the exact investment strategies for beginners that dragged me out of the hole, zero cap.https://www.fundrise.com
Why Most Investment Strategies for Beginners Feel Like a Scam (At First)
Real talk—I thought “diversify” meant buying both Tesla AND GameStop because memes. Spoiler: that’s not how you build wealth. That’s how you end up refreshing Robinhood at 3 a.m. whispering “please daddy Elon” to your phone.
1. Index Funds: The “I’m Not Smart Enough for This” Cheat Code
First thing I did right was dump everything into Vanguard’s VTSAX the second I had $3k saved. No, I don’t know what half the companies are. Yes, it’s still up like 40% since 2021 even with me panic-selling in 2022 because Twitter told me the world was ending. (Don’t be me.)
2. The Roth IRA: Free Money from Uncle Sam (Literally) Investment Strategies for Beginners
Opened one in 2023 and maxed it out with money I was gonna blow on concert tickets. The fact that this thing grows tax-free still feels like cheating. Like, I’m out here paying 0% on gains while my coworker Chad is paying 24% because he “doesn’t trust the government.” Okay Chad.https://www.bogleheads.org/wiki/Dollar-cost_averaging
3. Emergency Fund or Bust (Learned This the Hard Way) Investment Strategies for Beginners
Last year my car decided to die in the middle of I-35. Had to put $2,400 on a credit card because—plot twist—I had no emergency fund. That 29% interest still haunts my dreams. Now I keep 6 months in HYSA and it’s the most adult I’ve ever felt.
4. Dollar-Cost Averaging So I Stop Timing the Market Like a Degenerate
I used to wait for “the dip” while drinking truly cursed amounts of caffeine. Newsflash: I have no idea when the dip is. Now I just auto-invest $200 every payday into SPY and go touch grass. My returns thank me. My blood pressure thanks me more.
5. Real Estate… But the Lazy Way (Fundrise, Fight Me) Investment Strategies for Beginners
Can’t afford a down payment in this housing market? Same. I throw $100 a month into Fundrise because owning actual property sounds like a second job and I can barely keep my succulents alive.https://www.choosefi.com/fee-only-financial-advisors/
6. Side Hustle Money Goes Straight to Investments (Non-Negotiable) Investment Strategies for Beginners
Every dumb little Fiverr gig, every plasma donation (don’t judge), every time I resold sneakers on StockX—straight into the brokerage. Feels less painful when it’s “extra” money.https://www.choosefi.com/fee-only-financial-advisors/
7. The “No Touchy” Rule or I Will Ruin Everything Investment Strategies for Beginners
Set it, forget it, and delete the app off my homescreen during red days. My monkey brain cannot be trusted. Last month I almost YOLO’d into some random EV stock because a TikTok bro said so. Thank god I have the self-control of a raccoon in a dumpster… wait no I don’t, I just have two-factor authentication turned on.
Look, these investment strategies for beginners aren’t sexy. Nobody’s getting rich next week. But they turned my negative-net-worth ass into someone who can actually say “I’m building wealth” without laughing-crying.
If you’re sitting there with $37 in checking and a mountain of regrets, start with number one. Just one. Open the Vanguard account while you’re on the toilet or whatever. Future you will want to make out with present you, I swear.
What’s the dumbest money mistake you’ve made lately? Drop it in the comments so I don’t feel like the only idiot in America still learning this stuff.https://www.choosefi.com/fee-only-financial-advisors/
P.S. None of this is financial advice, I’m just a chaotic gremlin who finally stopped lighting money on fire. Do your own research, talk to a fee-only advisor, all that responsible adult stuff I’m still pretending to understand.
